Group Chats Unfiltered
Group Chats: Unread, Unhinged, and Unexpectedly Emotional
Alyssa Unfiltered – because therapy is expensive and
memes are free.
There's nothing like waking up to 97 unread messages about
absolutely nothing. Well, almost nothing. Sometimes it's intense tea that is
spilled, and sometimes it's just one guy sending the same meme repeatedly until
someone responds. A group chat is a modern miracle—a place where memes go to
thrive, drama simmers on low heat, and someone is always about
to say something unhinged. And in 99% of my group chats, the door is quite literally off
the hinge.
Group chats are the digital equivalent of trying to have a
conversation in a crowded Waffle House at 2 AM. Chaos. Grease. Questionable
decisions. And someone's definitely crying in the corner.
Today, we're diving into the social circus, which
is the group chat. Nothing is safe from the elite
inner-circle energy of a "Close Friends" group to the obligatory
family thread where no one knows how to use emojis correctly. Especially not
your phone battery. (Mine is on 39 as I'm writing this.)
Let's unpack the good, the unhinged, and the group chat that
should've been archived in 2021 but still won't die.
The Good Things I Actually Like
Yes, I complain. But I'm also a hypocrite who loves a group
chat done right.
The Meme Machine: When a group chat is basically
a running commentary on the absurdity of life, complete with TikTok’s, chaotic
reels, and sarcastic takes? 10/10. This is peak digital friendship. No notes.
Emotional Support Squad: Group chats are
therapy, but unlicensed and with worse advice. Whether it's cheering you on
while you rage-text your ex or helping you pick an outfit for a thing you're
not even going to—these people get you. When they rate your
fit as a 10/10 but the random dude a 2/10, you know their real.
The Roast Sessions: I don't care if I'm
crying—if my friends aren't roasting me for misusing "your" and
"you're" during a meltdown, are they even real? The answer is no, and
if I don't correct your usage of "to, too, and two," you most likely
aren't in my close circle anyway.
The FBI-Level Coordination: Planning birthday
parties, matching fits, entire vacations? Group chats are the only platform to
see full Excel spreadsheets, Pinterest boards, and a war room breakdown for a
surprise brunch. This is the group I wish I were in, but instead I'm in one called
"The Aliens"...just take a guess at the point of this group chat, if
you said aliens, you were wrong and were both still wondering where the
organization went.
Unfiltered Life Commentary: You can drop into
the group chat with "I just saw a man propose in front of a Taco
Bell" or a "look at this frog," someone will reply with a
relevant meme within 0.3 seconds. Or a judgmental comment about toads and
frogs, or your race and ethnicity, depending on the day and time. Community,
baby.
The Bad – Here's Where It Goes Off the Rails
Now let's talk about why I've almost left every group chat
I've ever been in. Jk, I can't go, it's a personal issue.
The "Didn't Read, Still Replying" Friend: The one who clearly did not scroll up but still jumps in like, "Wait, what happened?" Honey, the story is right there. Like, I get not wanting to read the novel, but at the same time, you snooze, you lose.
The Forgotten Chat: You know the one. It went dead for months until someone randomly texts "GUYS I HAVE TEA" and suddenly you're emotionally reinvested.
Group Projects Disguised as Fun: The family
vacation chat. The church group planning thread. The "who's bringing
what" text that spirals into 47 messages and ends with your aunt bringing
five pies for a party of four. Yea...anyone else or just me?
🔥 Hot Takes You
Didn't Ask For (But I'm Giving Anyway)
- Group chats should come with an HR department.
- If you leave a group chat and rejoin later, you should be required to explain yourself in a PowerPoint.
- "I was asleep" is not a valid excuse for missing drama. We have caffeine for a reason.
- There should be a separate group chat to discuss what happened in the main group chat.
- If you complain about the group chat notifications, leave, mute it, or die. Any of those options or all three will do just fine.
Can We All Agree…
- Every
group has the mom, the chaos gremlin, the
silent observer, and the screenshot snitch.
- The
person who always says, "Guys, I have something to say…" and
then vanishes for 45 minutes is a menace to society.
- Someone
always tries to change the group chat name to something "funny,"
and it's usually a pun no one understands.
- We all
feel that tension when someone leaves the group and notifies everyone.
- The
real messages happen after 10 PM. That's when people
either confess love or start planning a revolution.
- Sometimes
we create private group chats without certain people because they are the
issue, that said, I think there are about 15 different group chats without
me rn.
- The
rate the fit should be illegal, I'm guilty too but it really, really
should.
- There
are always the two friends in the group who know more about each other than
they should, and have conversations that leave everyone else confused,
like bro, forget getting a room, get a private carrier pigeon or
something.
Roll Call...
Let's be real. We all have those people...
1. The Chaos Gremlin Unhinged energy Sends
unfiltered voice notes. Randomly texts "GUESS WHAT" and disappears.
Their phone is on 3%, and so is their will to live.
2. The Therapist (Who Needs Therapy) Always sending voice memos that start with "not to trauma dump but…"
Gives the best advice but never follows any of it. Always
encouraging you to block them, never blocks their own.
3. The Meme Dealer This person contributes
nothing but memes; they are essential. Without them, the vibe would die
instantly. They're basically the group chat's emotional support animal.
4. The Lurker They've seen every message but
have typed nothing since the beginning of the chat. Are they alive? Are they
judging you silently? Will they suddenly reappear with perfect commentary? Yes.
Yes. And yes.
5. The Over-Sharer No filter. No boundaries.
Updates the group on their 2-week situation, Amazon cart, and gastrointestinal
issues. We did not ask. We will read it all anyway. And we will not ask
questions.
6. The Instigator says, "I just think
it's funny how…" and starts a full civil war. Lives for drama. Secretly
screenshotting everything. Probably also in another group chat about this
one....
7. The Paragraph Texter Someone drops a
NOVEL mid-chaos and expects a serious response while everyone else is sending
SpongeBob GIFs. No, Jessica, I will not unpack your
existential crisis at 1:32 AM.
Here's where you come in. I want to know every single group chat you're in. Drop the name, the vibe, and the member. Give me the full rundown. I'll rate them. I'll roast them. I'll help you rename them if needed.
Here are some of mine to get us started... (please don't
judge me guys... that's what my group chat is for)
This one deserves context, but I will not give any. It started as Lighthouse Vs Faith, but then was changed....
It is basically the filtered version of NO -- -- GC. Mostly the same people...mostly.
I started out as Raes Romance, and now it's where my two friends and I go to spill tea, share memes, plan outfits and events we may or may not wear or attend, and, of course, provide emotional support. Life is tough, and we all need a group chat like that.
Real. Unfiltered. Chaotic. And fully 10000% where I would tell my deepest darkest secrets and expect a meme in return. I love the girls in this group chat, and although I'm the oldest, we all agree I am not the one responsible. That goes to Amari.
Kinda dead, Kinda alive, Kinda wanna leave, Kinda just staying for the random once a month input.
Voices From The Depth
Here we go... my first email!!!! You know who you are. All I have to say about this is I agree 100%, and I did blush because that is me fr fr.
Group chats reflect the real world: messy, chaotic,
sometimes wonderful, often annoying. But when done right, they're your people.
Your 2 AM emergency call. Your daily "this meme made me think of
you." Your safety net. They are there for you, some of the time.
Just don't let a group chat convince you it's your
personality. Take breaks. Mute when needed. And for the love of all things
unfiltered—don't ever "react" to every single message with a heart.
This isn't Facebook in 2012.
Final Thoughts
Group chat is where friendships thrive, combust, or
occasionally send 700 memes about A.C.E.
Love them or mute them, they're part of modern life. And let's be honest—you'll see way up for the tea even if it's from two days ago. And the nightly FaceTime is simply an unspoken soul tie you have made to a group of kids from RSC...wait that could just be me tho...
Drop your most chaotic group chat names and stories in the
comments or email me your drama-filled screenshots (anonymized)
at AlyssaUnfiltered@outlook.com.
‘til next time,
— Alyssa🦩
P.S. I will judge your group chat name. And no, I don't
accept "The Squad" as a valid submission.
Comments
Post a Comment